Thank you for the encouragement and support you poured out after last months ‘letter‘. Since writing it, there has been very little progress in the situation, however, I sense a great increase in my ability to manage the stress of not knowing how to proceed. I have given up control of a particular outcome, and instead have opened myself to the possibility of any outcome.
This is a powerful feeling! It excites me, challenges me, and motivates me to do great things, each and every day….well….some days feels like that. But not today. Today I am troubled.
Surprise!! Life still has funky turns and twists after Finding 52.
So, it is a new year, a new page. Life is a clean slate on how to get where you want, when you want, right? I am thinking this should be the easiest time of year because there is so much space for creating betterment in our lives. It seemed like a perfect chance to attempt another 30 day yoga challenge that eluded me twice in 2017.
With a little humour and resolve….happily, this time around, I conquered whatever barrier held me back previously and nailed it in January!
Woohoo! This might seem like a simple enough task….doing yoga each day….for only 1 month….until you try it.
It could not have been better timed. All those hours of relaxed breathing….in with the good….and letting go of everything else, was goooood. Had I not been practicing this kind of mindfulness, there may have been a headline or two, of a deranged public employee gone rogue on her colleagues.
Let me explain. The big supervisor’s decided that smaller supervisor’s should take turns leading different teams in our area. Supposedly, this is a bit political, but it plays out like this: Every 6 months, a person from our ranks gets bumped up in responsibility and pay, to act as a temporary administrator and leader.
I am sure the intent is to assist anyone interested in promotion, giving them an opportunity to gain the knowledge and experience necessary to advance their career. Each time this process cycles, I have been asked to put my name in the hat, being the longest serving member on our team, I have declined this proposal based on the following criteria.
I am a Diva.
Self-ascribed, and yes….self-taught, but definitely a full functioning office Diva.
I know myself well enough to realize that timesheets and performance assessments do not serve my passion, so am quite happy to meander along my career in the trenches, where the most diverse and fun work options exist. Being a supervisor would seriously impede having regular working hours, which is a perk for Diva’s and anyone working near the bottom of the corporate ladder.
Now, what has transpired to churn up trouble on this work front? With any new organization within a team, a phase of uncertainty occurs before a new norm is adopted by all the players. This is called Storming & Norming. Uh-huh.
The storm started with a very clever, but junior team member blowing off a meeting I set up to plan the next phase of our project. Not only did he arbitrarily decide not to attend, he took another team member with him, making it impossible for us to proceed. He laughed when I said it was not ‘cool’ and then told me we could all meet later.
Did I mention he was junior to me? My head almost blew off! Being tasked with keeping our team on track and within scope, I have been coordinating meetings for over a year. If we miss the small windows where it is possible to meet, the next opprutunity may not happen for another 10-14 working days. Sad news for the timeline. This Diva was not impressed!
This wasn’t the only MEEM I found when searching for an appropriate quote. Apparently ALL my coping strategies are about stopping myself from punching people!
And the best one of all….drum roll, please….
Strategies aside, I aim to sparkle and shine in my work. Even though Diva’s typically show up fashionably late, I actually want to hit the targets we set out to achieve as a team….on time! I was so furious over the blatant lack of respect, I did what only a magnificent Diva would do, and projected violent silence for the rest of the week….
….a tactic which proved unsuccessful, so I upped the anti and turned it into a 2 week tantrum. Extending this demonstrative, angry pout did not make it miraculously better. Our team had random priorities, unassigned plans, and a blank process. I endured this stormy state of affairs by working on things I knew would eventually have value, plugged in my headphones, and tried to stifle my growing frustration of watching a scattered team doing ‘busy’ work.
Then week #3 rolled around….just in time for vacation, thankfully! 6 days of being happy….forgetting work, and junior colleagues, and clueless supervisor’s, and anything else remotely annoying.
HA-HA-HA! Oh AJ, you are comical, at times. Of course I could not shake it. It was bugging me! Which made me really mad….for being that mad….and not being able to yoga my way out of it! That is a right, tight corner….indeed.
So, off I go on an early morning run. Maybe the sweat, or the sun will burn this feeling off. I did not care what direction I pointed, or whether the path would be difficult or smooth. I just set each foot down, put my nose into the air, and let the sound of huffing and puffing, consume me.
Why would I be surprised to see a hummingbird ahead? I am accustomed to their companionship in the last few years; Their welcomed, brilliant, energetic spurts. They are quite magical creatures, graced with agility and maneuvers unparalleled in nature.
They fly backwards.
They flit like nobody’s business.
And they are uber beautiful….a perfect totem for a self proclaimed Diva!
If you are not looking, it is difficult to see hummingbirds. Fast and little….efficient and precise….unique and wonderful, and if there were a super hero with the powers of a hummingbird….well….I would want that hero on my team.
Hummingbirds are a bit rowdy, though. They swoop to attack if another gets too close to their territory. It is almost as though they understand personal space and draw an imaginary line that signals how close to come. The line also comes with a warning. Expect a fight, if the line gets crossed.
And so, the hummingbirds continue to teach me….about me. We share the same nature. We share similar skills. These attributes and talents….for better or worse….must be worked out in what I think, do and say; Without judgment, without self malice, without punching people.
Hummingbirds, just are.
I, just am.
No, I have not excused myself to act in any way that suits me, just because my nature holds an ability to attack. I will continue more running, baking, sarcasm, and maybe another 30 day yoga challenge in the future, but I will also not apologize for being confident in who I am.
A talented, sweet, fierce soul….flawed, but loving me, anyway.