Curiosity with US

WEEKS 19 and 20 have come and gone, and I just now have the opportunity to finish writing.  These were weeks of Being Curious with US and THEM, focussing on close family and friends and my larger surrounding community.  They started out on tempo like most other weeks in this 52 Week Discovery.  I started writing on my regular day more than a week ago.  I was upbeat and full of enthusiasm, in keeping with the familiar current pulsing through my fingers each week, as I type out what pours from my heart.

CURIOSITY began as promisingly weightless, comparable to stumbling upon a hidden treasure map, then following its clues with a certain, joyous confidence in what mystery awaits by completing an unexpected quest. I considered 5 factors that stopped me from curiously following clues toward learning about others and instead attempted to drench myself into their rich stories, to look though a different lens when connecting and sharing.  I felt drawn to their shine and rejoiced in their dazzle, by restraining my own desire to be discovered, revealing a magical process to discovering someone else’s brilliance.  A beautiful couple of curious weeks, with a comfortable balance of ‘search it out’ AND ‘what did you find’.

I know you sense a ‘BUT’ coming on…. and you would be right….so I should introduce my icon first.

It has a tarnished shine and odd shape, and has been this way since I can remember seeing it.  It also does not easily identify itself for the function it serves.

I put it on display to help remind me to be curious, but this may not be the way mum used it, while in her possession.  I would love to hear your guesses of what you think it might be.

When choosing this icon, I thought this would spark interest in readers to match the intriguing spirit of this topic.  With optimism and reflection on the incredible time I spent with my son two weeks ago, I began writing about a memory that fascinated me, and one that he brought up, during our visit.  It is not often that I can confirm memories my kids recall….things we did or said, things that were important to how they identified their lives, and found acceptance or disapproval for their words and actions.  Time and trauma have made many good memories fade in comparison to the majority of painful regrets that encase my memory banks.

My intention was to describe what raising a very curious child was like, his awestruck wonderment of anything science, fascination with structures, and the gloriously mighty environment of undiscovered Space. His natural curiosity lead us to many a book, many an adventure, and many more layers of a never-ending pursuit for knowledge. He lost himself endlessly, spending hours with a quiet mission to know it all. If there were a perfect example of being curious, this boy of mine….now an adult about to graduate from his current Ivy League surroundings that have been safely nurturing and satisfying his insatiable appetite for answers, he…would be it.

But I scrapped that writing when something odd and tarnished crept into the picture that could not be ignored. Something, that not even the work already unearthed in previous diggings into US during the weeks of Patience and Kindness, could clear up.

Suddenly, instead of a weightless and clear curiosity focus, I became clouded with mounting heaviness, forcing me to stop writing and pay attention to what was happening to US.  I wish I could fully divulge all details, or at least hint at some nuances leading to my halt, however, it is not my story to tell.  These past couple of weeks have required me to honour the people I love by holding back publically AND privately a challenge that has been dealt into our hand, been chosen for US, and so far, has US not rising to the occasion.

You might be thinking….Miss ‘Posi-Tiva’ has finally dropped ‘the act’….because nobody can be that positive, for that long….AJ has joined reality for a refreshing change.

This may be closer to true than I want to admit right now.  For many weeks….months, in fact, I have rolled through topics and reflections, consistently dealing with obstacles well, feeling settled and ‘soul-full’.  Some of the obstacles have been massive, with intertwining roots of past trauma and current heartaches, reaching further than any depth I have explored comfortably up to this point….yet, resulting in abounding strength, unadulterated hope, all-encompassing peace….I have been in the ZONE!

Being there is sweet.  It has embraced me in a way I have not felt held before.  Like a long-awaited hug from someone I thought I may never see again, no words can express how much love and acceptance I have experienced after decided to take on this 52 Week Adventure.  Not only do I feel more connected to a Mum who has not been physically present in my life for over 24 years, but I have grown more grounded as ME, more gentle with YOU, more gracious to US and more genuine with THEM.  Sounds great, right?

Maybe too great….not that I follow a “too good to be true” kind of operational model, but I have witnessed ‘the universe’ open up its cosmic power to auto-align situations in my life that have gone to an extreme side on my spectrum between good and not-so-good.

So, I should not be surprised ‘something’ tough has emerged, something that brought me into the ‘fight about it’ trenches, something that challenges all my positive spins and think ‘good-ery’,  and finds me standing firm on a platform built on doubt, anger, near-sightedness, arrogance, and intolerance.  Sleep comes at a price of pillow soaking tears and when those are gone, a dry-eyed numbness does not allow for sleep at all.

Please….do not feel sorry for me.  This challenge chose US, so I know it is FOR us.  Hard as it is to accept, I know we are going to be better for it, have a opportunity to grow and mature through it, and this is the ONLY thing keeping me sane right now.

As we tackle awkward family conversations where we completely fail to openly communicate by using hidden agendas… as we prepare ourselves for follow up steps and strategies to cope with unstoppable leaking emotions, spitting and sputtering throughout our interactions….I have to pause.

Curiosity has a dark side…..maybe it did really kill the cat.

Not that I am giving up, putting my hands in the air and saying oh well, nothing can be done….dead end here!  Quite the opposite, and also why I find myself fighting in the trenches….not exactly how I would like to deal with this, or any other conflict for that matter, but a battle does adequately suit my general passion about living.

Once I noticed I was putting up my dukes and trying to fight my way out of our unpleasant corner, I condemned myself for that tactic and quickly chose another……RETREAT!!

Tough thing about retreating from your family and community is, you usually cannot get away from either of them physically, so the only thing left is emotional separation.  

Whew!  Just need some ME time….pul-eeeeease!

The relief of ditching a disaster feels so perfect….for about 5 seconds.   But guilt loves a good retreat party, and invites more hurtful friends like shame and lies to come along for the fun. Self-righteousness shows up late to crank up the personal pity tunes, getting a real party rhythm rocking.  No shortage of food and drinks at this rave, bitterness and pride flow copiously, while they watch resentment fervently dance as far away from connection….intimacy….vulnerability, as they can.

This has been the party in my head, heart and house this week.  🙁

Curiosity has so far had me asking questions like….how come….why not….what if….but these have not proved helpful lately.  Shadows confuse, casting mirages of trouble in wait. I hesitantly turn down dark corners, fumbling blind against unknown walls in search of a way out.  I can sense fear blocking my belief of finding an exit for US, this being more complex than most of our past struggles. Time improves nothing. Silence assures no rescue is coming.

Light from our original entry point of this looming tunnel has long since faded, so there is no option to retrace the way we came.  Things are in motion that cannot be undone, nor do I necessarily believe they should be undone.  I just know we need to move from here….but to where?

The Beginning.

*Why was I inspired to begin this journey….

*Can my life be something more….

*Will I rise to take action when the way gets tough….

*Who do I want to be….

Hi….I’m AJ.

I am on a 52 Week Discovery of finding my BEST self. 

Nice to meet you….

AJ