Week 11, How To Clean Everything
Have you ever wondered if your family is odd? Ever get a feeling you have unusual issues swirling through your house? Starting to wonder why people keep saying your family should have their own reality TV show….this IS my life, this IS my reality, this IS my Week 11 search for striking the right balance for Being Sensitive With US.
I am going a bit further back this week, looking at a time when ‘US’ was VERY different. A looooong phase in my life that I thought might not have an end, other than an ending which had me or my ‘ex’ inside a box, buried deep in the cold, dark ground. How desperately often, were my prayers to escape from that madness, requesting either freedom or strength. Since I remained unmoved in my position for 14 years, I guess the answer to my prayers was strength.
But I did not feel strong. I felt unworthy and lonely, having no other close adult relationships other than with a person who believed it was his duty to save my unrighteous soul and point out all my evils. I felt abandoned and unloved, with mum dead, dad neutral, brother distant, and friends prohibited. I felt guilt and shame, for not listening to sage advice to not marry so soon, to not marry this man in particular, and for setting out to prove the predictions of a disaster in the making, false.
Perhaps the sarcastic laughter and out loud side comments we made throughout the pre-marriage compatibility test, should have been an clear indicator of our inevitable doom. And when the test was explained to us, the results showing some fairly significant differences, the kind that make a relationship difficult, in fact, might make it impossible, I foolishly said, bring it on! Strength…. or stupidity, was certainly ruling that day. Within 6 weeks of vows, I was pregnant….. and it began.
Whatever was intitally tinkering inside a confused mind, became an outward law. His good ‘ideas’ now needed to be acted on, adhered to, followed without question, because the health and wellness of growing babe inside, depended on it. Ex’s contribution was already complete, having done the miraculous task of fertilizing a healthy 23 year old woman at her conception prime, he did not need to adhere to these new rules. He had already done his sacrificial service of donating highly optimal genes.
If you are sensing a mocking, or scornful tone, you would be correct. As much as I have tried to deal with my bitterness and anger over being treated cruelly for so long, there is still a piece of me that has not completely forgiven, although through many blessings and generous relationships, I am starting to forget. I realize forgiving and forgetting are 2 very different concepts, so my work continues, as triggers from the past have a way of suddenly plunging memories into my full awareness, clearly and obviously not forgotten, or forgiven.
For 14 years I believed his thoughts, trusted his guidance, aligned my decisions, submitted my will…..mostly. Yes, there were knock down, drag me out fights. Yes, I stood up for myself, even after the violence started. Yes, I refused to let anything or anyone, not even the abusive, unstable father of my children, tear apart my family. Yes, it almost killed me…..yes, he almost killed me.
US was not happy. US was not healthy. US was not to be trusted. US made me sick!
When I finally left that marriage, life was not instantly transformed into a utopic paradise of peace and freedom. Years of gnarly, twisted chains were cast around my heart and soul, entrapping me emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually, even after the locks were already opened. Crawling out from under their weight has taken years….is still taking years….but I keep clawing ahead, refusing to let them hold me forever, refusing to live as someone who was once held captive.
How will this affect the way I am sensitive to ‘US’ currently? Good question!
It would be easy to say, any sensitivity would be better than the ZERO sensitivity that was once my US….a very low standard to use in finding a workable balance of how sensitivities play out within my close family connections. I think it will take a great deal of gentleness, a common theme for most actions I attempt to employ, and some good old fashioned rolling up the sleeves….. things could get a little messy.
Does ‘the mess’ frighten you? I get anxious; nervous for a possible attack on my comfort zone. I worry about how long it might take to clean up, or who might see the mess before I can be rid of it. I do not want US to look messy or feel messy, being too long a sad part of who my US was, and a reminder of how painful life has been. My icon this week will be, a specialty book of mum’s, written for people who are interested in cleaning up messes…
I take a deep breath….look ‘past and present’ US straight in the eye….and head in a direction I hope will reveal a secret or two about how to best be Sensitive to US.
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2 replies to “Week 11, How To Clean Everything”
AJ this made me weep. I am sorry that you went through that so alone. You are and always will be one of the strongest women I know. I am in awe.
No tears for the past, we live for the joys of now! Xo
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